Dark Feather Chronics: Castiel - The Angel of Thursday
by Slasher99
Summary: Warning! Destiel Fanfic! This Fanfic is based on Two questions, In this story I write from Castiel's perceptive on the events that happened on "Two Questions". Summary: Castiel is the Angel of Thursday, what we know really about him? He stays silent most of times, what does his silences can tell us about the nature of Lost Dark feathers?
1. Dream A Little Dream Of Me

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

I like in here, on the top of mountains it's calm and I feel like it's my home now. I know what you guys are thinking, who is this? And where am I? I'm Castiel the angel of Thursday, the Winchester's guardian, I am on the top of noble frozen mountains of Himalaya, I've been through so much and now I'm here.

Let me tell you what it's feel like for an angel, so that you can understand me. But how can I tell you something so complex, should I use an analogy? Yes, it's feels right to do so;

Being an angel is like being one with live itself, it's like being immerse in the cold ocean, where if a fish moves you can feel it like you are moving. Maybe that's why I stood by Dean's side for so long, I enjoy his presence, and I feel I'm free.

Being a fallen angel is like being one with nothing, I can't feel the fish anymore; maybe there no fish to move, all I can feel is a deep need for reconnection. Maybe that is what means to have freedom.

Freedom is a length of hope, and God wants you to haggle yourself with it. I now understand why Anna was our leader, she had that ability to see though right and wrong, but for me, truth it's always grey, and I've lost everything and still… I feel good about it.

Since I fell, it's being loner that the usual, Balthazar and Rachel are gone… Its hurt me that I killed both, it's still haunts me, what… What I've done. Now it doesn't matter, I'm free again, Am I?

I feel like talking with Dean, now…

I just reached Dean, but he is sleeping on the couch… I found him by searching the town, it's midnight… He looks happy – Dean – I whisper, I just want to talk – Dean, Are you asleep?

He awakes and we talk, he drinks again… Why does he need to drink so much? He tells me that help him sleeps and them he sleeps on the couch, just like that.

Dean's face it is unique… I guess, I've never thought about beauty, I guess Dean is handsome… Some girls must like him, girls like Lisa and Anna. I've seen human sex so many times, it really got boring after a couple of centuries, but I must say that Anna surprised me… Well she did mate with a human, which is not allowed…

What brings me back memories from that day when we went to that place full of iniquity, I never felt so scared on my whole life, what I was supposed to do? That chastity woman, she looked nice enough, maybe Dean found her attractive, I still don't understand what he meant by "ordering something out of menu"

Now I'm here watching over him while he is asleep, should I still heal him? His head resting on the couch awkwardly… Yes, I'll heal him or else he would wake up with his body sore. His shoulder feels so tense… The problem with freedom is that I still don't know how to deal with it, and all those feelings it really confusing, love, hate, hope, sadness… I must confess that I've being trying to name my feelings, but it keeps changing.

See, now I'm in awe… Dean is mumbling something, I guess he is having a good dream, I smile and I'm glad, my eyes trace his jaw line and watch over his chest that goes up and down. I never said to Dean about my struggle with feelings, I guess he knows.

I feel like he could understand me, but he is only a man… I wish I could be human, the truth is… I don't know how I feel about this, I'm still struggling with the fact that God doesn't care.

That day was the darkest day of my existence maybe that was my punishment for breaking the rules. But why he brought me back? For Dean, Joshua said, I don't get it, what I'm supposed to do for Dean? Protect him? Didn't I do that already?

…

Eventually Dean will find out about… I think he already knows that I'm going to fade away… I've seen it some time ago, I've never told anybody. In that time I worked with Crowley, that was a big mistake… But at least I stopped Raphael, why do I keep killing my brothers?

Dean – I whisper, his face is so serene, is he happy? I want to touch him again, it's feels good to have him by my side… It was worth the sacrifice? I think only time will tell, right Dean? He is sleeping still; I think I need to say something before I go.

Thank you Cas – Dean mumbles, I smile, is he dreaming about me? – You are welcome Dean – That's good to know he feels something for me… "We are like family"


	2. About Sam And Dean

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

Yes, I am here still; I'm surprised too, but there's something about Dean that's make me feel good, what is it? I feel a lot more comfortable being invisible around him, now he is talking to Sam, at first I didn't liked Sam.

No, please don't get me wrong, at first I didn't knew him pretty well… Sam is Dean's brother and he loves him very much, maybe I was just jealous because I wanted a brother like this. Well, my brothers and I kept fighting over ideas, like Lucifer for instance… He tried back then to seduce us; he said "God is not god anymore, why we should bow to humans, those little apes? Riot with me and let us rise our own empire""

I never saw Humans as monkeys they are my father's creation, they are beautiful and I never wanted an empire… It was still sad that so many angels were cast down with him, our brother Michael is strong, it was really an easy fight, Lucifer only took 1/3 of God's angel, we were in advantage I must admit, God was by our side.

That was the Golden age, There's no use thinking about it now…

I just sat on the chair close to the door, and Dean somehow knows I'm here, but he can't explain why… neither can I, Sam just left.

He just greets me – Morning Cas – I greet him back, there no use being invisible now, I keep looking at his eyes while we talk and he gets upset… Am I supposed to be angry too?

Then I tell him how I feel, actually, I wanted to tell him about how much I love my brothers and that I can relate his feelings towards Sam, but now he is apologizing for losing his temper. I can't help but smile, Dean is a good man…

I don't think he knows how great he is, he says he is having trouble with his feelings; that's actually curious, I thought humans dealt with feelings daily and therefore they deal with it better; I guess I'm wrong again, Dean loves to watch cartoon.

I still don't get the coyote and the bird, what is so funny about them? Dean loves it; it's like the poor coyote suffering is amusing to him. To me his smile is amusing, he make me feel different like the first time I saw him…

Did our relationship changed? He says I'm like his family, here we are watching the coyote and the bird and he is laughing like before, looking at his face it's difficult to tell that he is the same man that I raise from perdition.

I know I said God commanded it, but a small part of me was glad I could rescue him, I wish I didn't mark him, He must had hated me for it and for burning that woman's eyes, for what is worthy I'm very sorry for that.

There so many things I want to tell you Dean… But how can I make you understand? Maybe if I use an analogy again… I don't think Dean would get it, he wouldn't accept me fading away. Here he goes smiling again, I fake a smile and he turns his eyes to the Tv again.

Dean… I really don't know what to do to keep you safe, for everyone, including me. I thought that if I be around you I could somehow protect you, and lately you've been protecting me, maybe that what is irony.

That's why I am not good at this Irony and sarcasm thing, now to protect Dean I need go… maybe forever.


	3. A Nefilin's son

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

I can't help but keep looking at him; I'm on the back sit of Dean's impala… He says it's creepy to watch over him, I guess old habits die harder that you think.

I decide to greet him – Dean? – He get surprised for I can tell, but I have questions still, while I'm talking to him I can tell Sam is having a good dream… What dreams are like? I guess I should ask this to Dean next time, but I don't think he knows about it too well, he usually doesn't have good dreams.

Dean seems concerned about getting older, I see why; people die after getting too old. I still see much of his father on him, John's was one of the kind, I wonder where he is…

I ask him if he is happy, Dean sometimes is so cryptic about it, he tells me that he is because despite everything we are alive; I've never seen Dean so optimist about life, maybe he is indeed happy… Should I be happy too? I mean, Dean is happy and I feel good about it.

I tell him that he is like family to me, Dean coughs, and I really don't know if I pleased him or just scared him, regardless he says it's awesome… I wonder why he says awesome so much.

He invite me to "grab some grub", I refuse I need time to think and Sam is asleep it would be careless of me to leave him alone. Dean walk to the store, Sam is asleep making some funny noises, I realized that it's called "snore" when a human sleeps and make noises, also a human can't dream if he/she is snoring.

That quiet funny actually, God made humans a long time ago, yet I don't know much about them, there always something new to learn.

For instance, they don't like or maybe don't comprehend when we keep silence, Dean's gets really upset if I don't answer him… But sometimes there no answer to give, how can they all be so different? I can't stop thinking about God, he doesn't want to be found, nor want to help… How come he doesn't care?

Those times I remember Dean trying to help me out, he did, I'm grateful God brought me back. But I don't know if God will do this again, I think I ready exhausted my usefulness to Dean, Maybe that why I feel my powers waving again.

Yesterday I lost so much of my powers that I couldn't go anywhere, I had to walk… like a human, it was incredibly slow and painful. Luckily I got them back after an hour…

Should I tell Dean about it? I really don't know if this is wise, I mean, Dean is… a good man, but he would help me… And…

I'm feeling something strange, like a… Ghost? Is it after Dean? I need to go outside; I'm sitting on impala's roof and looking around, there this cold feeling, it's definitely a ghost, what should I do? It's not like I am really a hunter, in that time when Dean taught me a few things, I heard Sam saying something about ghosts … I think salt affects them, and iron… Does Dean have a shotgun in the trunk loaded with salt rounds?

Dean is coming, he asks me about what I'm doing, I'm look at him and go by his side, Dean understood me drawing his gun, he feels it like I'm feeling… Well he is in the ground now, calling my name, crying out for my help… For one second everything stops and my vessel moves almost all by itself, I shot the ghost, Dean is surprised… I surprised myself too, I just went to the trunk got the gun and shoot it.

In times like this I don't know if my vessel was supposed to react that fast to my mind… I guess that there is a connection between angels and humans after all. Maybe if Jimmy wasn't my vessel could Dean or Sam be my Vessel? I think, maybe I was meant to be here and protect them.

Dean is my brother vessel, I've never know Michael too well, he was always busy or doing some higher work…

I ask a few questions to Dean and Sam comes scared out of the car, after some talk we decide that we should hunt this thing… I'm saying we because now, being a hunter fits me more than before, I feel this desire to help people, I guess shouting monsters do the job just fine.

* * *

(At the Store – By morning)

* * *

Dean and Sam ask questions to the other guy, not the fat one that was by night, I think his job hours were done. There this short Japanese guy, I don't know if he is really Japanese I feel him like one, but there something in him… Maybe is just my imagination;

We are FBI – Says Dean and Sam showing they fake credentials, I don't even bother with that, I just look around like a costumer; Dean says that my job is to look for clues…

We are investigating a series of disappearances around – Said Sam serious, The short Japanese man raise his eyebrow and say nothing just take a deep breath and then he says in a polite and calm way

So, you FBI aren't here because of my reports then… - Dean blinks at Sam that quickly understands

Actually, we are here for that too – Said Sam – Mr.?

I'm Sao – He says taking his glasses on, and stepping from behind the counter, his body was pretty avenger, but he surely was very young, I can tell that he is twenty for the way he walks, but his eyes are of an old man – Mori.

Mr. Mori – Said Dean extending his hand that was quickly shaken by Sao

Please – interrupted him – Call me Sao.

Sao – Continued Dean with a smile – Can you tell with your words that were yours reports about?

Sorry, I didn't get your name – Said Sao smiling, his was dressed with a white t shirt, black jacket and blue Jeans

I'm Agent Robert moss, and this is Albert Coin – Said Dean smiling again – So about the report

Oh, yes – Said Sao sitting in a chair behind the counter – It was about a series of strange occurrences… See, I'm worried about this place safety, travelers goes missing every week.

How do you know about that Sao? – Asked Sam taking notes in his note pad

Well, at least I think – Said Sao smiling again – I've seen in the newspaper a young couple that was missed last week, the thing is, they were here last week.

I see – Said Dean – Beside this, any others strange occurrences?

Well – Said Sao avoiding eye contact – I-I… No.

Mr. Sao – Said Sam putting a hand on his shoulder – I can see you are afraid, what is it?

I should say nothing, but… - Whispered Sao covering his mouth – There is this lady that always comes here only at night… She says she lives here near the lake, but the lake is inside the forest and we are very far from the cities, I'm not one to pry on people lives, but since this woman moved people goes missing.

When did she move? – asked Sam now taking notes

Will be one month tomorrow – Said Sao smiling – Please, I'm not really sure if she is involved, but she seems a nice lady.

It ok Sao – Said Sam – We are going to talk with her.

Dean and Sam left the store; I approached Sao with a smile.

Good morning – Sao smile to me

Good morning, can I help? – I sensed in him much pain, and some profound understanding. It was similar than seeing a Buddhist monk in flames… He was in pain, but accepting it like part of himself

Actually, yes – I said while shaking his hand – Do you have pie?

No, I'm sorry – Said Sao, he was looking at my eyes… Like he knew what I am –I'm sorry; I know it's not polite to stare… But I feel like I know you.

Sao – I whisper… now I know who he is, he is a Nefilin… or a Nefilin's son – Do you know how am I?

I'm sorry… No, I don't recognize you – Said he smiling, I've never being so sure that he knew I was a angel

I'm a angel – I said, his eyes grow wide with fear he draw a strange blade that stopped close to my face cutting the air – What is this?

Go away – He said – You already killed my parents… But this time, I've got this… And it can't kill you, but you'll make you wish you were dead!

Sao – I said in a calm manner, I knew that, that was his pain; he got angel's blood… that would explain why he looks so young – I'm not here to hurt you.

Then go! – Said He his hand shaking with the blade

I need to talk with you – I said hoping that somehow he would listen to me

Then talk – said He, his eyes were shaper than his blade

Those FBI Agents… Did you tell the truth to them? – Sao Smiles and takes a deep breath, now his arm was stead

Yes, I know they are hunters – Said Sao smiling, I can't help, but get surprised – The same way I knew you are an angel, I can feel you… I can feel every living thing in this god damn word if they get close to me.

I understand – I said, maybe something in the way I said made him put his blade away

I'm sorry – Said Sao smiling – I've been on the edge this week.

Sao… My name is Castiel – I said trying to start a conversation – You said she was a witch?

Yes, I can feel death on her… Maybe he was something to do with the disappearances.

Why didn't you stop her? – I said foolishly, Sao was clearly nervous and running away, of course he wouldn't risk it

Like an angel would care about who is missing or not – He said in a sudden change of tone – I'm sorry… it was very rude of me, my apologies.

It ok – I say, is he faking it or is he just scared of me – You know about the ghost?

I feel it walking around the road – Said Sao smiling again, this time he was calm… I took a minute to look at his face, it's like a wall from any feeling, did he knew what lineage was him from?

About your angel blood – I ask, this time I'm really curious – Do you know who was the angel in your family?

I don't… Castiel, I don't think it matters now, I've got this mixed blood and I've got no place to be – Said Sao smiling

I know how it feels like – I said, now I know how Sam and Dean connect with people


	4. Bewitched!

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

Dean? – I said appearing on the woods by his side; Sam and Dean are walking towards an old house

What is it Cas? – Dean says I think I got him upset, or scared him… Sam doesn't mind though.

I talked with Sao… He said she is a witch – I whisper close to Dean's side, he looks at me like he knew

So? – He asks back – We figured this much Cas.

Dean – I stay in silence, there's something up – I think she can control the ghost.

We thought that much – Said Sam loading his gun

Why in the hell did Sao tell you that? – Said Dean looking at me, and raising an eyebrow

He is a Nefilin, Dean – I say trying to figure out what Dean is thinking – He is half angel.

I see – Said Sam aiming

Half-angel? – Asked Dean, I think he was surprised that angels actually could have an offspring

Yes, I talked with him… his grandmother was an angel, at least it looks like it – Dean looked at my face again, I can't help feeling that he was thinking about Anna, I don't know what to think about it, I guess Dean really liked her… I don't know why but I feel sad for it.

You talked with him? That new Cas – Said Dean looking away, was he jealous? – Did you say you were "The angel of the lord"?

I'm a fallen angel Dean – I said calm, why is he upset? Did I do something wrong? – He knew who I was, Nefilins can feel you… He knew you and Sam were hunters too.

That something new – Said Sam looking thought a Binocular – Her house looks deserted.

Cas, can you take a look at this place? – Said Dean, of course I would, but something in the way he said was strange

I don't think it would be wise – I said, I wanted to know what was going on… Something wasn't right with Dean – it's better if I have back up, Dean.

Sam looked at me, He and Dean changed looks and Dean nodded

Ok – Said Dean resting his hand on my shoulder, it was different… Somehow I knew that this one wasn't Dean, and maybe nor was this one Sam neither.

Dean – I said moving Dean and me to inside the house, Dean smiled and I faked a smile, I knew that something was strange with Dean… what was it?

Cas – He said resting his hand on my shoulder again – We need to talk.

Yes, Dean – I said, Dean smiled wolfish, he came dangerously close to me, his face touched mine and his hand ran inside of my trench coat

Don't move – He whispered, I shivered like a leaf – I want you Cas.

Dean?! – I whispered back, I could sense that the house was empty, what has gotten into him? – What are you doing?

Castiel – Dean said my name, and I could feel lust in his tongue, his breath on my chin, his hand now holding me against the wall, the wood floor cranked with my every step – It's just me and you, we are alone… I bet Sammy won't mind, if I party with you right here.

Dean? What about the witch? – I said trying to stay calm, but Dean's hand were so warm now, touching my abdomen and the small of my back

She isn't here – Said Dean kissing my neck, his lips so cold and dry… His hand going dangerously down to my belly button – Come on Cas, I know you want it badly;

Dean – I whisper a little scared I must admit, he kissed me, and I knew what was wrong, I grabbed him and Dean smiled, slowly his hands were on my back again, I placed my hands on his face

Cas, I knew you wanted too… see? - I knew what was wrong with him; it's a spell, a strange spell… I embraced Dean tight and lift my wings; I know I can break this spell with my healing powers

Cas, what you are doing? – Said Dean trying to escape from me, I knew that someone putted a spell on him

I'm healing you, Dean – I whisper in his ears and after my wings touch him lightly, he is "healed", I needed just to be careful to now hurt him – I'm sorry Dean.

Cas? – He asks confused, but he still keeps holding me – What is going on?

You were under the influence of a spell – I said letting him go, he looks me lightly with a shy smile – I was healing you.

Healing me? – Said Dean confused, he licked his lips, he doesn't seem to recall what he tried to do with me, and I decide that is better if I don't say anything

Dean – I say turning my back on him – I need to heal Sam too.

Where are we? – He asks – We got the witch Cas, but I can't remember what happened.

Dean – I whisper – I think she fooled you and Sam; she put a spell on you two.

Cas? – Dean asks again, but this time I hear his steps behind me, he put his hand on my shoulder – Thank you.

I stay in silence, I think I understand why Sam admires Dean, he is really like Michael – Come Dean – I say touching one of my fingers on his forehead, I move him to outside, but Sam wasn't there

Where is he Cas? – Dean ask me, I look around and I can sense him, he is inside the impala

He is in the impala – I said looking thought the widow, Dean opens the door after running to the impala, Sam is sleeping on the front sit, his head on the steering wheel, Dean wakes him up with a slight tap on the shoulder

Dean? – Said Sam drowse – What's happened?

Dude, are you sleeping? – Said Dean helping Sam to stand

You gave me a beer when you came back from the house, don't you remember? – Said Sam scratching his head

I think we need to go to a motel - I said looking at the Sky, it was becoming dark – It getting too late.

Ok – Said Dean turning the engines on – We will figure this on our way out here.

* * *

(Motor's inn – At night)

* * *

So, the witch can shape swift now? – Asked Dean while drinking a beer

I looks like it, she pretended to be you and make me sleep in order to pretend to be me - Said Sam sitting on a chair – She is very smart.

If she is a witch – Said Dean holding his father's journal – Don't you think she is a Kitsune? Here – Said Dean showing Sam a only entry on his dead journal under 1992/May/11

Yeah, it's fits… But what a kitsune is doing on the middle of our country? – Said Sam

I don't know, but the Jap guy… what is his name? – Said Dean snapping his fingers repeatedly

Sao – I said now seeing the connection, a kitsune can shape shift, but it's usually an Asian monster, Sao was half angel, did he mistakenly thought it was a witch? Was it coming after him?

Yes, he told Cas she was a witch – Said Sam

I think we had to pay another visit to him – Said Dean

Let me ask him, Dean – I say, I know that there would be some mistake here, Sao looked like a good man – Maybe he was mistaken.

But you told yourself that he was half angel, how could he not see the difference? – Asked Dean

Maybe because there's no difference Dean – Said Sam looking at his notebook screen – If he is Asian, he would know we wouldn't understand what a kitsune was, at least Cas wouldn't.

Then he said it was a witch – Said Dean smiling, he looked relieved somehow – Makes sense Sammy.

Ok – I say – Then what is the connection with this kitsune and the ghost?

Maybe there is the connection – Said Sam – Kitsunes can use illusions, and the bad ones eat the liver and human hearts, but they are called kumiho… Says here we need to perform an exorcism in the shine of inari or catch one of her fox fire, called kitsune bi, and we can have leverage over her.

Ok, Sammy… - Said Dean standing up and turning the tv off – So, this thing is killing humans to eat liver and hearts… How can we catch one of her fox fires?

I don't know – Said Sam – Maybe we should ask Sao.


	5. Piece Of Me

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

Convenience store – At morning

* * *

Oh, you are back – Said Sao with a smile, Dean and Sam were behind me this time

Sao – I said trying to sound polite – We need your help.

No – Said he with a polite smile – I can't help you.

Sao, listen – Said Sam looking at his eyes – If you don't help us that kitsune will kill more people.

Why should I help you two, when not even your real names I know? – Said the Asian guy in a calm and polite manner with a gently smile, I felt strange, he wasn't afraid of Sam that was taller than him by far…

Ok, my name is Sam and this is my brother Dean – Said Sam pointing at Dean

Oh! – Said Sao chucking – You two are brothers;

Yes –Said Dean suspicious – What you thought were we?

A couple, of course – Said Sao smiling without even blink, Dean made a grossed out face and Sam laughed – I'm sorry, but I really don't care about people dying or not.

How come you don't care? – I ask, my voice come out full of curiosity, he had angel and human blood why he was so insensitive to our cause?

How come you care, Castiel? – He asked politely and it's hurt me like a knife… He was partially right; many angels didn't care about human lives, why would he?

Hey Japs! – Said Dean raising a finger on his face – Who gives you the right to be so selfish?

Am I the one that is being selfish here Dean? – Asked Sao smiling, his smile was like a blade and his eyes like an unbeatable ocean – What if she is killing to survive?

It's a monster! – Said Dean face to face to Sao, he was upset, but Sao stood there with a gently smile on his face, fearless like a giant – its killing people! It must die!

Dean – Said Sam resting a hand on his shoulder – Calm down dude.

No Sammy – Continued Dean and turned again to Sao, which was still with a smile in his face – What If I beat your dumb smile from your damn face?

I guess it wouldn't change the situation anyway – Said Sao smiling again, he looked like he was enjoying Dean's fury – Dean.

Sammy, I'm gonna beat the hell of this guy! – Said Dean raising his fist, but Sao smiled and drew his knife in a blink of eye, very close to Dean's throat

Don't move Dean – Said Sao, I looked at his eyes, I knew if I moved to try something he would move as fast as I, he was half angel after all – Sam, your brother is being rude, can you take him outside so we can talk?

Sam just nodded and took Dean outside while I stood there looking at Sao face, he was really cold, his face emotionless like a mountain – Why? – I hear myself asking

You friend don't know how to control himself – Said he smiling again – I wouldn't hurt him.

No, I want to know why you don't want to help – I said again, I needed to make him help Sam and Dean; it was becoming personal to Dean

Why are you helping them Castiel? – Said Sao smiling, he smiled politely like before closing his eyes

Because they help people, because they don't have anyone – It was difficult to say it, maybe feelings aren't like a sport, you can get better by only practicing them – but me, to help them.

I see – Said Sao smiling again, Sam stood right in front of him while Dean was outside drinking

I'm sorry Sao – Said Sam bowing what made Sao laugh and bow too

I'm sorry Sam – Said Sao smiling – I never saw an American bowing before.

It's ok… I guess – Said Sam faking a smile – Please tell us how we get a fox fire from a kitsune.

Sam? – Said Sao now serious – Why do you and your brother hunt monsters?

It's family business I guess – Said Sam confused – My father was a hunter.

Sao closed his eyes, and I could feel a shifting on the air, the lights blinked softly, he opened a smile, but this time it was a warm smile.

Sam, I see – He continued and opened his brown and dark eyes, I could sense that he was pleased like a little God, I felt like he was just playing with us all along, even the part where he pointed the blade on Dean's throat – I'll tell you, but for a price.

What is it? – Asked Sam curious

Your friend here need to give me his angel blade – Said Sao looking at me, of course he knew that I had one, and what it could do, I felt somehow that he was just playing a game and we were this pawns

Cas, I know that is a lot to ask… but we need this information, the library had nothing and Garth couldn't dig anything up – Sam looks at me with his sad eyes, I feel like I need to help him, like I said, they had nobody to help them but me.

It's ok Sam – I said putting my blade on the counter – But tell us first.

You need to trick it, before attacking someone the kitsune raise its tails and uses it fire to create an illusion or attack – Said Sao slowly while Sam took notes – Also, it's a spirit… So you need to trap it with salt before actually trapping its fire with a pot of glass.

So that's it? – Asked Sam smiling, he was satisfied

Yes – Said Sao, I let him take the angel sword in his hands; He smiled while holding it – So that does can kill anything? Right?

Yes – I said feeling a strange sensation – it yours now.

Thank you – Sao said with his customary smile, Sam rested his hand on my shoulder and we walked out the door, Dean came to meet us at the door.

* * *

Dean's impala – At afternoon

* * *

What the hell Sammy! – Said Dean looking at the inner mirror – I'm sorry Cas… How are you hanging up?

I'm ok Dean – I say, I really don't know how I feel, it like I've lost part of me again… I just felt strange, it really didn't matter - it was just a sword… - It's was like losing part of my arm, but I knew it was for a good cause, I didn't deserve to have it.

God dammit! – Said Dean again, still looking at my eyes, he knew how much it meant to me, but I somehow was numb to the fact that I've lost it, we spend some minutes in silence.

Sam fell asleep, but Dean kept checking on me, I was grateful for it. He stopped the impala and turned the engine off.

Cas – He said cutting the silence – I promise I'll make it up to you.

I smiled; I knew that Dean would understand why I did it, while I looked in his green eyes on the inner mirror

It's ok Dean – Dean smiled I could feel him – We are like family right?

Yes, Cas – Said Dean turning and with arm he brought me closer and embraced me, It's felt good and I was happy, he whispered in my ears, I don't know if was to not wake Sam up or if it was supposed to be a secret – I promise that I'll do the same when the time comes.

Dean – I tried to say but he interrupts me

Shhhh, Cas – Dean now is padding my shoulder – I've got you buddy.

Thanks Dean – I whisper and close my eyes, I don't really sleep, but I felt like just now.


	6. Gods And Monsters

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

Dean's Impala – At afternoon

* * *

So that's it? – I ask Dean while we are hidden on the forest waiting for the kitsune appear

Yes, Cas – Said Dean Smiling, Sam made a hand sign and we understood that the Kitsune was walking towards the house, She was a beautiful Asian lady, her eyes dark brown and deep, she was dressed as a common woman, a white dress with red flowers, her dark hair long and thin was blown by the forest breeze.

She walked right in our circle made of salt and some Stone's from Inari's Temple, it was Sam's idea to trap her with those in case that salt wasn't enough, Dean come out of the woods with a smile

So we caught our Carmen San Diego – Dean chucked and the kitsune looked at him smiling back, but her smile was unnerving

Human – She said licking her lips – I was getting hungry.

You are trapped you kitsune! – Said Dean walking around her and smiling again – So you've being killing humans to eat them, haven't you?

The kitsune smiled again like if she was the hunter, and Dean was the prey, I kept my eyes on her, she was slowly shifting to her true form.

What if hunter? – Said she after sniffing the air like a fox – I see you enjoyed my love spell, but someone broke it… That's strange.

Love spell? – Said Dean nervous, he blushed and looked at me, Sam was really confused, maybe he thought he misheard that, I tried to avoid Dean's eyes and he turned his eyes again to the kitsune – Ok, time to die monster!

Sam sneaked behind the kitsune that was distracted with Dean's silver knife and opened a glass bottle, we are just waiting her to do one trick or attack so we could get her fox fire.

She lift her tails and a blue fire floated above her, I knew she was going to attack I could feel the wind blowing in an unnatural way around us.

So the little hunter thinks he can hurt me with silver? – Said she laughing, Dean slashed her shoulder in a quick movement and she took her full form of a big red fox with two tails, Sam quickly used the glass bottle and trapped the fire inside it - YOU! – She screamed with a monstrous voice

It worked Dean – Said Sam moving by Dean's side

Yeah, we got your fire now you can't use your mambo jumbo now – Said Dean chucking

You Two! – She screamed again with rage and frustration, she was powerless

You guys really did it – I heard a familiar voice behind me, I, Dean, Sam and the kitsune turned around to look , It was Sao, he was smiling with the angel blade in hands – Sora, it' been a long time.

Sao – Said the kitsune, her rage was visible on her eyes – You set me up!

I gather that you two know each other – Said Sam confused, Dean got upset for I can tell, Sao took some steps looking at me while passing and he stopped a little bit further from the salt circle

Yes – He said smiling again – You killed my little brother, now I'll have my revenge.

Wow Hold on, what? – Said Dean placing himself between Sao and the kitsune – You pal, isn't going to kill her, we are.

Dean – Said Sam meekly – Let's hear him first.

No Sammy – Said Dean facing Sao again – That guy played us to hunt for him, that guy took Cas's blade away and I really don't care about his revenge!

Dean – Said Sao, this time he wasn't smiling he was clearly angry – Yes, I tricked you two into hunting her, Sora knew my scent, she would run away or trick me again… Dean, get out of my way!

So those hunters will take your revenge away – Said Sora laughing – Half-blood boy!

Don't call me Half-blood – Said Sao pushing Dean easily aside, despite being sort Sao had strength, I had to help Dean stand again

Sao – I said, he turned his eyes to me, his face full of rage; he was like a force of nature – Killing her is not the answer.

How would an angel know about it? – Said Sao pointing at me with the sword – You angels don't care, you angels took my parents and this monster took my little brother and turned him into a… thing!

Look – Said Sam trying to calm him down – I know that's not fair, and killing her looks like a good revenge, but take it from me Sao… I've lost my brother too, revenge will turn you into something bad, and I'm sure it's not what you brother would like you do to, Sao.

Was Sam talking about that time that he was drinking demon's blood? I felt sorry for him, he must have being though much… Dean looks at him, I know he is hurting too, I hold Dean's arm with my hand and give him a no with my head, I know he was going to attack Sao.

Sao looks at Sam eyes and his rage goes away like a passing breeze, he closes his eyes again and smiles while looking at me, He throws me my sword back and turns away without a word, I hear his footsteps, he is going away.

Hey! – Dean shouts at him, But Sao keeps walking away – I'm sorry about your brother, Sao.

I can feel that Sao is smiling, without turning back he shouts – Its ok, Dean.

OH my! That was a beautiful moment – Said Sora the kitsune smiling – So what about me?

You'll go down sis – Said Dean throwing salt on her, she twisted and screamed in pain – That's holy salt, and you'd be surprise with what you can get from internet nowadays.

Curse you fool! – said she twisting

Dean, now I can kill it – I say – But wasn't she controlling the ghost?

Sora laughs diabolically and loud – I'm the ghost, this woman is dead, but I brought her to live!

Cas – Said Dean looking at me – Kill it.

I nod and step closer to the kitsune, it smiles at me, for one second I don't want it, but my arm just move by itself and I stab it… A flash of light blast though the field, and it's done, I killed it. Dean looks at me and smile, Sam pads my shoulder.

Dean – Said Sam looking for the pot – Where is the pot with the kitsune bi?

I don't know dude! – Said Dean walking towards the impala – Didn't you lose it?

Of course not Dean – Said Sam walking with him, I followed them, Dean was taking some shovels from the impala's trunk

I think Sao took it – I say, because now it's makes sense, he played us again, Dean gets upset and shouts

That god damn Jap! – Sam and I chuckle while taking each a shovel.


	7. Dark Feather Secrect's

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

(Graveyard – At Night)

* * *

Dean decided we should burn the woman bones and put it on the grave that he, Sam and I dug; He lit his lighter and burned the bones, I kept thinking why Dean wanted to bury the woman, he didn't knew her, maybe he thought about Lisa.

I tell him that he is a Good man, Dean smiles, and I try to talk about Lisa and Ben with him, but Dean just don't want to talk about. Does he want to hit me now that I brought that up? I tell him to hit me if it helps him.

He refuses, I would let him hit me a thousand times if it helped him to feel better, and I know that I'm feeling right now, I love Dean? Yes, that is it… I love him.

His green eyes are over me again, and I feel safe and sound. Dean, do you love me? This is so confuse, I love him… Like a brother? Like a Lover? Or like child? I need to lift his chin up now that he is looking at the ground, and I just do it.

That look upon his face makes me feel sad, but this is some different kind of sadness, I'm sad because I can't make him happy. What should I do? - Dean – I say, but the words didn't come out, I wanted to say that I think I'm in love with him, but I don't know what kind of love is it.

Why does it have to be so hard? Since the day I took Sam's madness in my head, I can't help but feeling different. I remember all of his pain, it ripped me apart, but somehow it doesn't hurt me anymore… Dean? How would I explain to you how I feel when I look at your eyes?

Cas, I'm sorry – He says, and I say that he doesn't need to be, he didn't hurt me. Dean looks at me and I feel it again, like if I was seeing my brother Michael on the skies for the first time, Is it love? My lips go dry, and I feel this electrical pulse on my chest.

Dean walks toward the impala's and I whisper his name, It helps me somehow, it's feed me in a way I can't explain, was I supposed to feel it? I chuckle "A Fallen angel, falling in love".

* * *

(On The Road – Dean's impala)

* * *

Sam? – I ask on the front sit, I need to check on Dean again. I really feel this desire to look after him, is that wrong? Have I fallen twice?

Cas! – Said Sam, I think he is surprised to see me, I look thought the inner mirror and I can see Dean is asleep, he looks… Beautiful – You know that he thinks it is creepy.

I say I am sorry, and I let slip that is an old habit… I guess it is, Sam is curious and I tell him the first time I saw him and Dean, I thought it didn't matter until now. While I was telling him this history, I found myself thinking if I was really curious that time about Michael's vessel, or if I was just curious about Dean's father, what he would become, and how it would influence Sam and Dean.

Humans are so amazing and complex, they are beautiful creations indeed, every one of them has a unique view of the world. Now I get it, why God told us that they are his image and semblance. Some humans are like God's grace on earth and some are like his wrath.

Dean must be a mix of wrath and grace, I'm glad I could meet him. Sam is looking at me now, I feel my powers shifting again, and he asks me if I'm happy.

I just move to the beach before my powers goes thinner, I'm standing on a rock in the shore, there's nobody here. I feel human, I can't hear Sam's voice, or Dean's, I can't hear any prayer anymore; its feels like a bad omen, but its feel good and extraordinary.

I jump on the sand and I walk in it, my footsteps are printed while I walk, I can feel the breeze and the smell of the salt in the water; I always could feel it, but I couldn't feel it in my skin. Being an angel is like feeling a cold glass though a glove, you feel it but not so intensely like a human.

Humans feel everything with so much intensity in this world, I should be worried because being powerless means that my vessel is breaking his connection with me, and I am breaking too; I know that those emotions will bring me down, but I can't forget about everything, I can't forsake my memories and feelings in order to stay alive.

I choose to live once and fade away than live forever and not feel it, above all this; I can't forget what I feel for Dean. I think I always knew that heavens erased my memories, every time they erased me I felt less me and more like a machine. Why God had forsaken us?

I spread my wings on the air, my feathers are weaker than I; I think now It would be a good time to tell you all, everything I would not dare to tell any human before. Angels have to follow certain rules in order to survive, one is: "Always Obey"

Anna disobeyed and they cast her down… Her punishment was brand compared to Angels like me, angels that let themselves feel emotion, and the second rule is: "Never feel any emotions"

You must be wondering why, because angels weren't created to feel as intensely as humans, we can't handle it, in order to keep order and justice in the heavens we weren't allowed to keep our memories.

Deep down I knew that, but I chose to refuse the truth and even acknowledge this fact. We aren't allowed to interfere in humans affairs or with the freewill, but there are few occasions that we are allowed like with John and Mary, If an angel changes something that was supposed to happen in order to keep the order, he will lose one of his feathers.

You must be thinking that is nothing compared to losing ours lives, but our feathers are supposed to protect us, it's like our grace, it's not energy, but it's our real flesh, but it is what keep us connected with this reality and dimension and if you lose one, you lose your ability to hear God's voice.

I know that for Humans it doesn't mean anything, but for us it's like losing our only hope to ever again be forgiven, it's like losing yourselves without any hope to find ourselves again. It's worse than death itself, you are cut off hope forever…Forever cursed to be empty.


	8. What Is love?

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

Dean is asleep, I wonder how it's feels like being asleep, I always watch over him… In part is because I feel responsible for him, and I try to keep his nightmares at bay. Sam is calling me right now, doesn't he feel me?

Sam is really different from Dean, and I'm so much more different, I guess Sam is thinking that Dean is my favorite, I show up and tell him that he isn't, I just don't have any answers to give.

I think Sam understands, even so he offers to help me, I'm grateful… Maybe I know why God allowed me to changes things without losing myself, I'm paying my price for breaking the rules…

What do you think? I have no one to talk to about those things, its makes me regret bitterly killing Balthazar and Anna. I have no one to turn to, no angel, no God, no friend… Only Sam and Dean, but they wouldn't understand me.

Thank you – I vanish, actually I'm just invisible here again… Sam and Dean are talking about me and my earlier talk, they are really worried… Sam is really clever, he already found out about the consequences that I'm facing, Dean goes out in rage… As I knew he would, he won't accept me fading away; I follow him and tell him Sam is worried.

While we talk I realize that the angel statue is my representation, what the odds? Dean ran to me again, is God laughing right now? I smile, Dean doesn't even realize that he choose to stay at "my" feet on the stone bench. He took shelter under my wings once again, is he in love with me?

I want to ask what love is to Dean, but he got angry and I smile, I understand… Somehow it doesn't matter how much it hurts if Dean is not hurting, why do I want to make him happy so badly? Do I love him? Maybe I do, and he does love me, I tell him that I've only got questions… No answers, No home, nobody, there's nothing left for me…

But I don't tell him that I've got him, I love him and I feel scared, I'm scared to say it aloud. I'm afraid of loving, what it will do to me? Will I ever be the same again if my lips touch his lips? If I take him in my arms can I let him go? – Maybe another time - I say and in silence I move myself to the mountains again.

I whisper to myself – I love you Dean.


	9. I Kissed A Boy And I Liked

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

"Please God, heal this child" I heard again and again, I know who she is… She needs help, I move to her grand daughter, she is in a pink bed, asleep, but I can feel that she is feverish.

Who are you? – The little girl asks me, she opens her eyes surprised

I'm Castiel the angel of the lord – I say in an impulse, which was half true

An angel? – She asks with a smile, I nod and she closes her eyes, I touch her forehead and heal her… She fall asleep with a smile, I stand there looking at her, children are beautiful and innocent I wish I could be like them for a moment.

I sense Dean is near, I can't really explain that, I just feel him; he is in the convenience store that is in the same street. I'm there now, looking at him… What he is doing? Is this a naked women magazine? Dean seems… happy, or exited I can't really tell the difference.

Dean, Are you ok? – I ask, he gets surprised and throw the magazine away, he says he is fine, I smile and turn to the television, there's something odd on.

There's a kind of program about the bees and flowers, is this a God's sign? When I was… In pain, I was obsessed for bees and honey. It made so much sense when I was with the bees, I could sense them… I was covered by them, now this thought makes me shiver.

Sam talks to me and pads my shoulder, I look at him and smile, Sam is a kind soul and I'm glad that I took his pain. I've never talked about Sam's scars; I'm ready to tell it to you all.

It was Lucifer I saw in the first part of it, then it took the shape of my regrets and after a while it was only pain. An unbearable pain that hurt my soul like a knife cutting thought butter, I felt empty and disconnected… All I can say is that when I fell it hurt, but it wasn't so painful as it, I felt suffocating and drowning at same time, I was flying high and low, it was like my existence was sketched to two points then I heard a sound.

It was like a light shinning in the darkness, I felt like part of me destroyed others parts of me to get out, and then I saw Meg's face she was watching over me. It was the very first time someone watched over me, I was in awe… I must admit that it's felt good, I just wanted to not feel anymore, I was empty that time because there was only my will to keep me walking and talking, I wasn't Castiel, I was a shell… Like Dean, then I realized that I had to run… I would bring him more pain, more than anyone deserved.

* * *

(Dean' impala – At night)

* * *

Dean is talking to Sam, I'm on the back sit… Does he know I'm here? Why Dean keeps looking thought the inner mirror? I wish I could talk with him, but… I'm scared, scared that I might feel strange again… I just don't want to love him and I want at same time.

Why feelings must to be so hard? I can't blame Dean for not loving me; I've been a poor friend and a worse ally… I've killed and lied; I've done so much damage… I wonder if it was meant to be, I've hurt Dean so much… How can he forgive me again?

Is Dean asleep on the steering wheel? I stop the car and take Dean in my arms, I feel strange holding him and trying not to wake him up – Dean – I whisper and he smiles, I think he is really tired, but for someone that sleeps four hours/day he looks good… And peaceful like a child, I was supposed to lay him in the back sit, but I can't help looking at him, my hands become a little sore and I lay him on the back sit slowly watching him twisting his nose lightly.

Dean looks handsome indeed, I know what Anna saw in him, it's something like seeing a troubled child sleep, it's like holding a wounded bird in your hands knowing that you could easily kill him if you aren't careful enough.

I can't resist it, it like an unstoppable urge, I lean on him and kiss his mouth slowly… I know it's wrong to take advantage of Dean, but I can't help it. God what I'm doing? I think to myself, I blush and go to the front sit in order to drive the car.

What is going on with me? I just stole a kiss? I lick my lips and feel Dean's taste, it taste good… But I feel so guilty because I like it.


	10. On a Bender

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

Dean wakes up, I think he is surprised I greet him as usual, and we strike a conversation. He is grateful for me being here, he doesn't say… Dean doesn't have to say it to me, I love him the way he is, but how can I forsake him? God forsake me and I'm so lost, why will I do the same with Dean? Because I will fade away and eventually will bring him down.

I guess I can't live with him or without him, Dean… That's why I can't love you, even if you loved me back, I'm unwell, those feelings are tearing me apart and I don't know how to pick up the pieces. Could you help me Dean?

Cas – He says – Stay, please – I can't, I'm hearing someone playing, someone needs healing…

I don't know, Dean… I have something to do – He tells me he knows what I've been doing, I think that is no use to hide it from Dean, he tells me he needs me… I tremble a little, I hope Dean didn't notice.

Dean knows how to make me be with him, even when I'm not supposed to. Why? Does he love me back? But how can it be possible? He is human and I thought he liked girls, I must be misunderstanding things again… Or maybe is just wishful thinking.

I nod, Dean and I make some small talk, he jokes, I think I don't get what is a "Scooby doo" or "Scooby snacks", but he does answer me what is socks for. Humans are so curious creatures, God really had a good idea… that went sour for him, but for me I still have some faith, at least in Dean… Why all my thoughts drift towards Dean? It's not supposed to be like this, Dean is asleep again, I understand it's been days since he had real sleep, he took a nap of four hours in the impala, but I'm pretty sure he isn't rested.

I turn my back on him, I know he is ok… I still feel a little guilty for kissing him while he was asleep, Dean whispers my name again… I'm feeling happy for it, is he always dreaming of me? I think there's no use to be here while there someone that's needs me.

I find a woman, she was cancer, she is playing… I sit by her side on that big church, I can her she saying:

Please God, I never asked anything of you… Please I need to take care of my children, they doesn't have anybody else… Cure my cancer or delay it, my children still so little, and my husband is dead, God Please… I'm begging!

She is crying, I stand up and look at the church ceiling, I wonder if he is hearing… Are you hearing her, God? I rest my hand on her shoulder and heal her, she stops crying and looks at me, I look at her eyes and smile.

I'm sorry I didn't see you there – Said she whipping her tears with a handkerchief.

It's ok – I say in a calm manner – You'll be all right.

No, I won't be – She says sad – I have cancer.

You don't have it anymore – She smiles confused and I move myself to the mountains again, I hear Dean screaming, he is having another nightmare… Screaming Sam's name, should I go to him? I take a long minute and move myself to him, Dean's wakes up.

I ask if he was calling me, he says he had a nightmare, I already knew that, but I liked the way he said it… Dean sounds like a little boy sometimes, I always forget that Dean is actually a man, not a boy… A grown man, he ask me to stay.

Dean is crying, is difficult to me to even imagine it, I've seen him crying before, but now he is holding me and I can't help, but feeling the same, If I could just stay by his side… If I only could be with him always, I know that I wasn't supposed to stay, but I feel like I need to stay… At least until Dean fall asleep, and he does with a smile.

I rest my hand on his cheek and whisper – I'm here… Dean – He smiles like a scared child that just found his parent's bed at night.

I turn my back and Dean mumbles in his sleep – I love you Cas.

I freeze, did he say he loves me? No that's not possible, I must have misheard that… But Dean mumbles again – I love you – It all I wanted to hear I admit, but it's cuts me like a knife, what I'm supposed to do with this? He is just sleeping it doesn't mean anything, I move to the road and I walk into a bar.

I sit on a chair and a red haired woman get close to me – Need a drink honey? – I look at her eyes, maybe… I really don't know – Girl problems?

Girl problems? – I repeat a little confuse, she smiles and sit in the other end of the table

So, aren't you and she in the same page? – She smiles again and I keep looking at her, I don't know what to say

I guess – I say, I don't know why I said that

Honey – She says smiling again – How much can you drink?

Much – I say looking at her note pad on the table

Do you know what is good for heartache?

Drink? – I ask, I already know the answer and she smiles

If you can drink more than our champion there – she says pointing with her pencil to a big, bald, old man – You gets everything on the house, what about you win this drinking game?

I don't understand… How drinking will help me? – I ask confuse and she lean on my shoulder and whisper

Because the only way to get a boy or a girl out of your mind is getting a little wilder – She stands up and smile, I accept to drink, I turn ten glass full and the bald guy keeps pace with me, but he fall on the fiftieth glass, I win and the people around me shouts and cheers like crazy.

The red hair waitress smile to me and they take my picture, I feel dizzy, she sits me on my table and whisper in my ear again – Now you should go home, do you want me to call a cab for you handsome?

No, thanks – I say and move myself from there.


	11. Dead!

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

I'm on the library sitting on a chair, Sam turns the lights on and I see a big flash on my eyes, we talk about something, I really don't pay much attention, because my head hurts and my eyes hurt even more.

I close my eyes and when I open it, Dean is face to face to me – Dean? – I ask, what he is doing? What I'm doing lying on the bed with Dean on top of me? I tell him to stop whatever is happening, he holds me by my tie and whisper with lust – Cas don't make me beg, please – I feel like kissing him all over, my body reacts to his kisses and his hands running on my chest towards my rips I stop his hand with mine.

Dean, I don't understand, what is that? – I smile nervously hoping that Dean doesn't notice

Cas, Just tell me if you feel the same as me – He says with his lips almost touching mine, his eyes hungering for an answer, or it's hungering for me? I tell him that I feel strange and hot, I ask him if he know what is that feeling, and he says I must find out by myself.

Dean tries to go, but I pull him closer and I ask him to stay. I don't know why I did that, maybe I love him… Is he in love with me? Or it is just lust? How will I know the difference? Dean kisses me again and lay in my chest - I'll stay, buddy… I got you Cas.

I feel safe again, that must be love… I want to believe that is love, what else could it be? Dean is sleeping on my chest… I can hear him breathing, like a cat… I hold him without waking him up, I want to stay like this forever. But I hear a prayer… a homeless man is dying, I wrap my trench coat around Dean's body.

I move to the homeless man, he is laid on the street, I reach out with my hand to heal him, but I can't… My powers are gone again, He is dying I can feel…

Who are you? – He asks me with a grieve voice

I'm Castiel… - The rest of the sentence gets struck in my mouth, the angel of the lord? A powerless angel? He smiles and I feel his life slipping thought my fingers, I can't do anything, if only I wasn't with Dean, I could've saved him… - I'm sorry – I say, I think I'm crying… Is it tears? I wasn't supposed to shed tears, but I'm crying…

I heard a big noise, is it a car? – Cas? – I hear Dean's voice and a flash of light blinds me for one second and something hits me… Hard, my eyes close while I heard someone calling for an ambulance.

Am I dead? – I smile, maybe that was meant to be.


	12. Were You Here All Night?

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

Where am I? – I say and my body hurts

Cas, it's Dean – I heard him saying, he rest his hand on my shoulder slightly, it hurts a little, but I like to feel his warm touch, we talk and he places his hand on my forehead, I feel it again, this old feeling while Dean is looking at me, I can see worry in his eyes, those green and haunting eyes, is it like this is a dream, Dean says I'm feverish, I take his towel and rest on my head that hurts;

He says he know about me fading away, he is angry because I didn't tell him.

I say that it would make no difference and it was half truth again, maybe he could've help me, but the only way to do that would be killing me or dying with me, I would never lay such a tremendous burden on Dean, I give him back the towel and I lay in the bed and my back hurts… So much, some stabs of pain keeps me awake, I tell Dean that I'm human, that I can feel my powers, but I cannot use them…

He rests his hand on my chin, and I can feel his warm touch again, I feel like holding him and kissing him again, but I smile, he tells me that he will take care of me…

Maybe that is the biggest irony in all of this; I was supposed to take care of him… God must be teaching me a lesson, what am I saying? God doesn't care… Doesn't he? Why then I always end up in Dean's arms? Dean smiles at me like the first time he saw me, what is this? If not love?

Maybe I'm reading too much in that, he kissed me, but I'm sure I love him… But how can he love me? Dean is like a sun and I'm like those cold mountains.

Thanks Dean, you've been a very good friend of mine – I say, because I'm trying to hide what I feel, Dean thanks me and leave, and I close my eyes in pain… I messed up this time didn't I God?

I close my eyes, the pain goes away a little and I dream for the first time, to dream is like thinking about something , but it feels real, I dreamed of Rachel… She was with that look upon her face, an incredulous look…

You Killed, me… Why? Brother – She screams furious and surprised, I stand there in silence, and I think "What can I say to make things right again?" Then I realized that she is dead and there's nothing I can do to reverse this.

I'm sorry – I say, is this sadness or grief? - I'm so sorry Rachel – I feel alone again, this time I'm on the top of the mountains… I know I'm dreaming, but I still feel like there's something missing, that I was supposed to do something. Then Dean is by my side, he rest his hand on my shoulder and I know that this is a sign.

Cas – He says – Do you love me?

I don't want to reply to that, this isn't Dean is just a dream, I know that, but I can't help myself – Yes, I love you… Dean – He smiles at me and I smile

Then let me go – He says and I understand what it means, it means that my end is coming and I'll have to choose… Die alone, or try to live and lose a part of me that I'll never get it back.

I wake up slowly – Dean? – That is my first concern, I need to see him to know that he was real, that this big nightmare was real…Deep down I hoped that everything was just a dream. I stood as painful as it was, Dean was sleeping on a chair, was he here all night watching over me? – Thank you – I whisper, I don't know if he was, but only the thought made me happy… "I don't have anyone, but you Dean" I thought trying to get to the bathroom; I must had made some noise because Dean woke and he helped me to walk to the bathroom.

We made some small talk, and I observe my bandages, I think I broke a rib or another bone… That's really funny to think that I'm human, I feel strange… like… Hungry? I smile, that feels so natural, it's good and bad at the same time.

Dean? – I say, I hope he is in the room

Yes, Cas? – I could feel concern in his voice - Everything all right in there?

I'm hungry – I smile again, that must be the first time I'm naturally hungry… there was that time with the horseman, but it felt unnatural.

Dean helps me get into bed, I can't help but feeling his muscles on his shoulder… He really is strong, I think this is necessary for a hunter to be so strong, while I'm sitting on the bed Dean says he will bring me food, I smile – Dean? – I grab his arm and look into his eyes, he was surprised and I little embarrassed, why? – Were you here all night?

I-I need to go, Cas – He says tripping in his words like a little boy, I smile and he smiles back before leaving the room, I know for sure he was here all night… I smile again while I lay my back on the bed, Dean watched over me… That's creep, I say to myself laughing.

I looked at the room now, there were so much old things here, like an old painting of some fat woman, and the wood in the furniture was so strong like trees on the valley. I breathe, but not so deeply because it would hurt my chest again, I look at my hands and feet… I'm human; I still don't believe it… Why do I keep hoping God is watching over us?

Maybe that is Human's faith, I hear Dean's boots on the floor making a softly "poof" sound. It's funny how Dean loves his leather jacket and those old boots, John was in the army, I guess he trained his sons to be army material…

I'm so sorry about John, everything he had were taken away from him… Even his life, I don't understand God… I thought I understood him, but I was just fooling myself… I wanted to go back to this innocence, when I was still just a soldier… Like John? Or like Dean?

Dean comes into the room and rest a plate on my lap - What is that? - I ask curious, there are so many strange things, there was a bowl with something yellowish and a glass full of some juice, Dean explains to me that this is breakfast… He tells me about banana and cereal… Oh and Apple juice, I drink it and we talk again, talking with Dean makes me feel good, like it doesn't matter what I've done… I feel forgiven, am I forgiven?

I ask him about the kiss, I don't know what got into me to ask that out of the blue, but I'm glad I did, Dean avoid the subject and we talk about my recovering that will take months, I get surprised because I don't have months, Dean says he will watch over me and protect me.

I wanted to tell him that nobody can protect me from what will happen, but I know he knows… He will just die trying; I decided I need to leave him… As soon as possible, I won't hurt Dean.


	13. Fix You

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

Dean walk into the room and I wake up, he smiles and show me a symbol… I know that is a Enochian sigil, but this one is supposed to keep Angels away… I tell him that, this symbol hurts me a little… It's like something is draining my blood, I talk with him a little bit more;

Dean holds my hands, I feel strange again and I know I love him… Does it means he loves me? I can feel some calluses in his hands, it's like he has gloves on. Dean's hands are trick and strong, I feel good when he puts his hands on me, I hold his hand back watching careful his reaction – Cas – He says – Did I let you down?

Was he worried with that? I smile, it's even funny to me… I'm the one that let him down so many times, in some many ways - Don't worry… I've broken the rules, I knew what would happen… I smile and Dean's eyes turn to my hands - You never let me down, Dean.

Dean smiled sadly, this might as well be our last moment together. I would never forgive myself if Dean felt guilty because I left him, I lay me back on the bed and the sleep comes so fast and easily that my hands loose on Dean's hands, but I could feel Dean's hand gripping tight on mine before going to sleep.

I wake up and Dean still there holding my hand, his eyes reddish. I know he cried, but he tries to hide it, I smile and he smiles back, a stab of pain cuts my breath and I cough, Dean hand's are now on my shoulder and my face is in his chest – Thank you – I say looking at his face, Dean smiles, but he keeps holding me – Dean? – I ask and he realizes that he is hurting me a little

Sorry – Said Dean letting me go a little reluctant – did I hurt you?

No – I say and smile, The fabric of his cotton t-shit was softy, I didn't know that it was so good to rest my head on his chest

Are you ok? – He asks me, probably confused with my silence, I look at him and nod, I lay my head on the pillow and he sits by my side on the bed – Sorry I think I was tired…

It's ok Cas – He says uncovering my chest – I just need to take a look on your bandages – I unbutton my blouse and I lay back again, Dean's hand are always so warm, he touches my bandages to see if It's ok, it hurts a little bit.

I need to change those bandages, Cas – Said Dean taking a box under the bed with a red cross painted on it – It will hurt a little.

Ok, Dean – I say while Dean cuts the bandages off, I help him to take it off me slowly, I see I got a big scar with some stitches

Don't worry, I'm used to treat stitches on wounds – Said Dean cleaning with something that hurt me – Me and Sammy use to get hurt a lot.

I know – I say smiling, Dean smile back and I help him roll the new bandages on my body – Thank you – I say and Dean smiles, I think he is lost for words right now.

Cas – He says after putting away the box with a cross – I'm sorry.

I smile and touch his face with the palm of my hand, it's hurts me a little, but I manage to smile. Dean hold his face still and close his eyes, I can see tears coming down – Everything will be ok Dean.

No Cas, It won't – He says holding my hand tight – I'll lose you this time, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Dean – I say bringing my face closer to his face – You don't need me anymore, It's time to let me go.

I don't want to, dammit! – He protests like a little boy, but this is not matter of wanting or not and I know it – I need you!

You don't Dean – I say, I need to make him forsake me, before I fade… - That's was bound to happen.

So was the apocalypse, Cas! – Dean opens his eyes and I can see him for the first time in the longest time for who he is – And we changed that!

Yes – I say smiling - I'm so glad that I was there with you, Dean.

So, let us help, Cas – He smiles sadly and I feel a tear coming down on my face… Why am I crying? – We can fix this!

Dean – I say remembering that I said once that wasn't broken, but this time is broken beyond any "fixing" – It's too risky, I would never forgive myself… If I hurt you.

Dean embraced me and his face rested on my chest – I'll save you, Cas.

My hand run thought his hair and I smile, I wish I could save him from me instead. Dean kiss my cheek and leave shaken, I think he'll drink himself to sleep, I feel my powers coming back.

* * *

I touch my bandages and I heal myself, it's good to have my powers back, but it means that my end is near. I go after Dean, but he is already asleep on the couch, I walk towards him and kiss his forehead.

Dean, I need to leave now – I whisper – But I'll come back to say goodbye. I went to his room and got my trench coat back, I felt that Dean is awake.

Hello, Dean… - I say and Dean looks at me surprised - If you don't mind I got it back from your room.

He asks me about my powers I tell him I got it back, but I need to go, I feel my powers shifting again – Thank You – I say turning my back – For everything.

Dean calls my name, but I'm far now. I'll never go back, on the mountains I try to talk with God, but there's only silence now and I let the clouds swallow me, I'm fading and my powers will cut me off from this existence, even so I smile.

Cas – I hear again, Dean is calling my name - Cas please!

Why can't he let me go? I fall, but it takes time, my powers are slowing the gravity down. I need to hit the ground, breaking this vessel will break my connection with this world and I can fade away without hurting anyone.

God dammit, I love you…Cas, I love you ok? – Does he love me? Dean loves me back? I-I feel the same, but how can he? I need to get to him, I'm fading I know… but I need to say goodbye, I need to know why, I need to know since when he loves me, I move myself to him.

But they trap me with a strange handcuff and with holy fire, I feel my powers stabilizing – Dean?

It's ok I got you buddy – He says holding me, I'm so sorry Dean, I'm a fool you'll die because of me… I knew that would happen and I let it happen, I'm a fool.

I'm saving you Cas – Dean says gripping my hand tightly – I won't let you die…

I'm killing you right now… I'm sorry, Dean. – I say trying to hold my powers back, but I'm just fading away, I can't control myself

Don't you dare to be sorry! – Dean shouts at me – I made my choice!

I'm reaching my full power, then I ask Dean to pray, I'm going to change this… I refuse to accept that, as my destiny.


	14. Nothing, But Love

**Dark Feather Chronics:**

_Castiel : The Angel of Thursday_

* * *

I feel Dean's pain, I feel everything and time slows down… I'll have just this chance. I'll give up my ability to hear God's voice for you Dean, for now on I only want to hear your voice, I need you too, Dean.

Cas, I'm praying ok? – Dean says and it's the last thing I hear, everything becomes blank like a white page, no sun, no plain and no sound.

Castiel – I hear a strong and gently voice – Castiel!

Who is this? – I say, but I can't hear myself saying it

Son – The voices continues, is it God? – I'm glad… I'm glad…

The echo of this voice fade on my head and I feel my power draining, everything I lived pass though me, I reach out to Dean that is somehow untouched by my wings that are in flames now, I shelter him in my arms and kiss his lips – Dean, I'm giving us a chance to start again.

The echo of the voice goes away, and when I open my eyes I'm again sitting in a motel couch in front of the television – What happened? – I ask myself, I stand and look around… I know I managed to bend time and space, but does it means Dean doesn't remember us?

I sit on the couch again and I realized that voice was indeed God's voice, he said he was glad… I smile and stand up, moving myself to the mountains.

I'm glad too – I shout at the skies, I've got nothing… But Love now.

* * *

**_The End_**


End file.
